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balance. The unwavering truth of it all. Id already gone through every statement, reconciling all the entries, making sure all the information was there. My checkbook started the year with a negative balance. But try to wing it in math, and youve got nothing but trouble. It will drive me crazy not to know (crunch not to identify (chug, chug) that stupid sound. Maybe I just have a healthy resentment for the IRS. Im pretty sure we all.

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It was like I was reading a book, someone elses story, and I had no idea of the outcome. I feel like I just won a silly game show. The negative balance is in my books, not the banks. Now it all makes sense. And I didnt quit tallying up the total until I reached the end of the register. For that moment, the sick feeling lifted, and I really did feel the gratitude and blessing of it all. I try to look at this history with gratitude. And my savings, over eleven. I dont continue to relive those C-section complications.

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Its got to be in a box in the attic, alongside the bank statements, just at the top of the stairs. I love it for all the opposite reasons I love to cook. My books are off. It was bugging me, that out-of-focus dialogue, that droning noise, that curiously familiar and annoying sound effect. The satisfaction that can arise from the solution to any equation, if youre only willing to, well, do the math. I consider myself a person who deals with life pretty well on an emotional and spiritual level. I have only to present him with an accurate account of my income and expenditures. The suspense was killing. Like by almost twenty grand.

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Not for my delivery expenses, but just for him. And then there are the unpleasant reminders money spent at the ER when complications arose after my C-section. Id balance the books like I used to, and will from this point forward, be in habit of doing. With the poor light, and the cold, and the spiders, and the ghosts. Ill get up in a minute and look at the TV long enough to resolve this dilemma before shutting the damn thing off. What the hell was that show (chug, chug went the adding machine)? I resolve that next year, Ill knock em out as soon as January rolls around. With every chug of the adding machine, the minus sign never abandoned the total.

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I cant emphasize enough how much this bothers. By Julys entries, I was starting to see some humor in this. So now, it was just a matter of the math. And yet, I continued on, crunching these ridiculous numbers. To exhale all the way. No, what gets me is the agonizing. And then I got overwhelmed.

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